How do you find strength to fight breast cancer recurrence when addiction and fe...

Second battle with breast cancer first 2016 underwent double mastectomy (DIEP flap) implants rejected, left severely disfigured, followed by chemo, (about killed me), in remission until diagnosed March 2025 with breast cancer again. I will need radiation as well as chemotherapy due to the aggressiveness of the type of cancer, ER positive PR positive Her2 negative The reoccurrence of breast cancer literally sent me into a state of fear I have never experienced. I have this gut feeling I cannot shake that this time I'm not going to be as fortunate as I was first go around to go into remission. I just know this time when and if I do the surgery, the doctors will tell me it has metastisized. I have had ,4 or 5 surgeries scheduled to remove the tumor (in left breast only) of which all have had to be rescheduled due to cocaine use on my part. Until I am able to provide a clean urine, my Oncologist will not do surgery. To this very day, I have used and abused cocaine and have not seen any doctor. My tumor has grown significantly. I occasionally check and feel the size when I can muster up enough courage to do so. as I live in a state of denial. The tumor has grown significantly. In summary, I'm literally riding on a death wish due to my daily use of cocaine, and a rapidly growing tumor. I finally reached out to an in-patient drug rehab facility and will hopefully love myself enough to actually go Mon or Tues of next week. I'm petrified of living through this all over again. I suffered tremendously the first time physically and emotionally. I have very little help at home.the thought of enduring that same experience all over again is more than I can bear mentally. I don't even have a question, I just needed to say this out loud so I can start accepting the reality of what I'm doing to myself, my children and grandchildren. I'm allowing my cancer to spread and using cocaine daily and to be honest , I really don't care whether I live or die.