Living with Terminal Cancer: Thoughts and Experiences

Well. I've been on Ibrance and Letrizol. There was a lump in my left breast. It has metasticized into my bones. Doing quite well for 4 years. Side effects of rx ..diarrhea use ammonium ad and Anti reflex med for irritated stomach..both otc. At first I just could not believe my always reliable body had turned against me. I've modified that to be an alien invasion in my body. I live alone and am retired (73). I was a flight attendant for 40 years. Not a healthy job. I don't know where this came from but it could be a million sources during my lifetime. The med industry has been doing a great job giving us more time. Personally I think they will find the switch that causes our cells to consume our bodies. But it sure seems an awful lot of people have some form of cancer. I'm actually shocked at the thousands of people at my cancer treatment here in Seattle. It seems more like a raging virus to me. So, I know I am going to die from this. I'm in a clinical study..I asked for that because I do not have the funds to pay for treatment. So I'm lucky and thankful for that. We are all gonna die from something so death is a common denominator of life. I am not afraid of death ..at all...it's the process I object to. It's been said, "I don't have a problem with death...I just don't want to be there when it happens." I just feel like I am in limbo. I'm procrastinating "getting my affairs in order". Slowly but surely. It sure affects things you do. I did get a dog but I already have a home for her. (Good friends that really want her...they can hardly wait...said in a joking way". The only thing is..i will not suffer. There is just no way to just let it go with terrible pain and becoming disabled as the body shuts down. I would never let my animals suffer like that. I have talked to my Dr about physician assisted death. I think the European clinics are wonderful in the way they do it. I believe it's a basic human right to live a quality life. I've kind of lost my drive. I am noticing more fatigue. I guess I'm just kind of waiting to die. I find it difficult to share this with my friends. It's not something you can empathize with if you haven't been through it. I mean, they all know but I don't like to go into detail. Besides I cry if it becomes a big discussion and I just believe that is grief. I am not dying of cancer...I am living with cancer..it will kill me..Just not today. How do you all deal with this?