How do you cope with breast cancer diagnosis anxiety and grief?

I have invasive ductal carcinoma in my right breast, HR positive, Her2 negative, diagnosed on November 14, 2025. I am 57 years old. I started this process trying to get a mammogram for a lump, inverted nipple, and discharge out of the nipple (clear and sometimes bloody) I had just come out of a horrible spring in the hospital for kidney stones where I became septic. That came out of nowhere! I noticed this lump a few months before, but couldn’t deal with it . I put it on the “shelf” and then after getting out of the hospital I honestly just could not handle one more thing wrong with me. So I went into total denial. I had a physical coming up at the end of October and for some weird reason I thought maybe my doctor might give me a breast exam. I wanted her to notice this lump and actually say the words I couldn’t say out loud “I am concerned about this lump and I think you should get this checked out!” I don’t know what I was thinking, but I did tell her I needed an order for a mammogram. When I went to talk to the mammogram scheduling person, she asked if I had a lump or discharge. I said yes to both and she said “we can’t do a normal mammogram! We have to do a diagnostic one and you need to take care of this as soon as possible”. I had to ask for a new order from my doctor and let her know that I was afraid to tell her about my symptoms when I was at my physical. I had a hard time getting a quick appointment so I called my mom and had to break the news to her. I actually said the words that I have been too afraid to say and became unglued, sobbing uncontrollably. She gave me another number to call in a different Health System and that person said I need to get this appointment as soon as possible. They don’t like to wait more than 10 days after noticing my symptoms. So I went to the diagnostic Mammogram, they immediately noticed two concerning areas with calcifications in both breasts and set me up for a biopsy the following week. The nurse at the biopsy said I shouldn’t expect a phone call until the next week because it was two different biopsies and sometimes it takes a little longer. I ended up finding out two days later and my journey began. I was so upset at first and gathered at my mother and father’s house with my sister. My sister had this 11 years ago same type of breast cancer, in the same breast. She was a wealth of knowledge and definitely calmed my nerves. And then after being huddled together at my parents, breaking the news to my 24 year old daughter, I just felt this weird calm. I set up my first appointment with my breast surgeon., She ordered a second biopsy on a new area of concern in my right breast and just the other day I had my breast MRI. I would say for the most part I truly am calm. And then other days I am just so anxious, depressed and just not ok. I lost my husband five years ago and the thought of not having him with me in the middle of the night when I need him during my surgery, recovery and whatever treatment my breast team tells me I need, just makes me so sad. I have a wonderful family, my daughter and friends, but not having my husband just adds another layer of concern because he would be with me in the middle of the night. I think since my diagnosis, there has been that feeling of a peace that surpasses all understanding on most days, but is it denial? Is it that survivor in me going into survival mode, hiding down in a ditch waiting for the storm to pass? I’m eating nonstop, which makes me feel so bad about myself, but it’s calming me at the same time. I’m worried about my job, but they assured me that they have my back 100%. I still want to make sure they see me as someone they can depend on. I’m working extra hours so that when I have doctors appointments; I don’t have to use my time off to make up for it. My follow up with my breast surgeon is the first week of January and I will have more answers. I’ve been dealing with healthcare, red tape, canceled appointments and the holidays being in the middle of trying to schedule all of it. I have my moments where I scream and cry and then I just can’t stand myself so I figure out a way to look at the silver lining and pull myself out of that dark feeling and then I feel happy, peaceful and hopeful again. But then it just repeats over and over and I haven’t even gotten to my surgery and treatment plan. Thank you for allowing me to sound irrational and dramatic with this very looong story/rant but these are my real, raw feelings. If you can relate, let me know. I look forward to reading your posts and having a sounding board as we navigate this together!