Things You Should Avoid Saying to Someone with a Cancer Diagnosis
As a cancer patient, it can be hard to communicate what kind of support you need (and don’t need) from loved ones. To help you start those conversations, share this blog with friends and family to guide the dialogue.
When a family member, friend or loved one is going through cancer treatment, it’s important to approach every conversation with them with empathy, thoughtfulness and an open heart. Chances are, they’re experiencing unparalleled stress and concern, and also finding it difficult to navigate new feelings ranging from fear to depression to panic. As a loved one or confidante, it’s on you to take the lead in expressing concern, reaching out, and just listening to them when they need you.
Your relationship will most likely feel different than it did in the past and it’s important to remember that changes in the connection are not personal. While your loved one is navigating a new set of challenges, showing your support through these difficult times can make a significant difference.
It’s not always easy to know how to show up for loved ones, so here are a few things you should NOT say to someone going through cancer.
Do not pay them unnecessary compliments
Oftentimes we pay compliments to each other, because frankly that’s what friends and family do. But if your loved one is going through cancer treatment, they might not look so or feel too great, so tread lightly.
If they’re losing their hair or they’re wearing a wig, don’t tell them how great they look or that you can’t really tell the difference. Additionally, don’t comment on their weight loss. Appearances are so personal, and chances are they’re struggling with some aspects of their physical appearance which could ultimately be affecting their mental health.
Do not share stories about other peoples’ treatment
Every patient is different, and every cancerous tumor is different, too. Don’t offer up stories about how your second cousin survived cancer, or your friend from the gym pursued an alternative treatment approach, or a form of alternative medicine. Leave the advice to the doctors, and find other things to talk about that won’t cause any unnecessary stress– or just be a good listener overall.
Do not ask about past behaviors
Asking your loved one “how it happened” or “if X or Y caused their cancer” is not helpful and often judgemental, placing the blame where it shouldn’t be. All you need to know is that they have cancer, they need to know you care, and they might need your help with anything from driving them to appointments, to picking up dinner to just spending quality time together.
Do not say “I know how you feel”
While you might think this sounds empathetic, you’re actually putting the emphasis on your emotions and discrediting how they’re feeling. Instead, just ask them to tell you how and what they’re feeling, and make sure they know that you’re able to provide a safe space whenever you’re together.
If you would like help talking to a loved one, or learn more about their disease, you can connect with an Outcomes4Me oncology nurse practitioner at no charge through the Outcomes4Me app, using the “Ask Outcomes4Me” button.
